Internal 'Subsidy' Memo (LMAO!!)

TO: ALL DEPENDANTS AND RELATIVES

Due to the increase in fuel price, all domestic rules and regulations have been revised as below.

1. The kitchen and all gantries are declared Restricted Zones. Entry and/or passage shall require express permission from me upon submission of written request.

2. Breakfast is banned. This matter cannot be discussed! 

3. Such food items as rice, pounded yam, chicken, fresh fish, cornflakes, butter, jam, eggs, bread and milk are Restricted. Anyone intending to eat any of such foodstuffs must write to me in triplicate, with three days’ notice, giving justification backed by a qualified dietician's report.

4. Watering with hoses is banned. Further, only food-giving plants shall be watered. No lawns or flowers shall receive water. For internal decoration, only plastic and dry-flower arrangements shall be permitted.

5. Bathing in the morning is limited to 5 litres of water per day per person while bathing in the evening is banned unless there are medical reasons. There shall be only twelve toilet rolls for the year, that is one (1) per month. 

6. All security lights should be removed with immediate effect. All dependents shall abide by an all-night guard-duty roster I shall make available shortly.

7. No dependent shall entertain friends indoors, far less attempt to offer food, drinks or even music. Those who want their guests to listen to music shall sing for them.

8. No one is allowed to switch on the Gen for any reason whatsoever; Emergency shall require express permission from me only.

9. Anybody who breaks a glass, furniture or any other property in the house, shall immediately have to seek temporary employment somewhere to earn money to replace such broken item(s).

10. All visitors intending to spend a night/week or more must submit written application in triplicate and give two months’ notice, with an endorsement from their Village Head or Church Priest, giving convincing reasons why they can't stay at their homes / hotels.

THESE RULES ARE BINDING with immediate effect AND NOT SUBJECT TO ANY DISCUSSION WHATSOEVER!!!

Signed: HEAD OF THE FAMILY.

GARBAGE?!

Lagosians won’t kill me o..!

I was at the Sunshine Chinese Restaurant last weekend, went to grab some prawns and soup with a friend. It was a nice quiet outing, at least until some loud elderly man walked in with some babe who was too young to be his wife, and too disrespectful to be his daughter.

The man ordered for some rice and sauce while his ‘friend’ added a portion of salad to hers. They sat on the table next to us and constituted a nuisance until their order came through. He kept ‘name-dropping’ and trying way too hard to impress the babe in his very poor spoken English.

While eating, the young lady decided to be ‘romantic’ and fed him some of her salad. The man exclaimed about how good it tasted and literally screamed across the dining area beckoning the waiter stationed near the bar to ask what was put in the salad. The waiter returned minutes later telling him what was put in it, but the man kept calling out after the waiter.

“Okay! Carrot!”

“Spring onions, yes!”

“Lettuce!”

“Beans, alright!”

“GARBAGE?!.. You put garbage in it too?”

At this point, I who was very pissed at the man’s previous behaviour could help it no more. I had to laugh myself out of the restaurant when I realized he meant Cabbage. I really don’t know where they get these kinds of people from. So, in case I ask you get me some salad… do make sure it contains some garbage please. LOL

OGA!!

This video totally cracks me up.. The dude is crazy!... Lollzz.

Everything na double-double..

Howdy y'all?

Totally having a laugh as I'm typing. This particular trend was inspired by a friend of mine. She just came up with questions about why Nigerians like to say most things twice. It got funnier as time went on because we found out that it was so TRUE! What more can I say other than UP NAIJA! we too get mouth...lol.

Examples we came up with:

Mago mago,
Copy copy,
Yori yori,
Kata kata, 
Follow follow,
Lai lai,
Yama yama,
Gra gra,
Tolo tolo,
Bom bom
Sme sme,
Lie lie,
Craw craw,
Wuru wuru,
Shaky shaky,
Moi moi,
Puff puff,
Jedi jedi
Fear fear,
Kalo kalo
Mu-mu,
Kia kia,
Lapa lapa,

Ye-ye,

Pata pata,

Leke leke,

Sharp sharp,

Looku looku,

Waka waka,

Ra-ra,

Chin chin,

Goody goody,

Borrow borrow,

Corner corner...

Please feel free to make your additions by clicking on the comments link right under this post. Cheers!

To kiss or not to kiss?

Howdy y'all!

Okay, as you all know, I've been writing exams and been either too busy or too tired to blog. Anyway, after yesterday's paper was done, I was just chilling outside my faculty with my peeps and a female classmate walked up to us. For some funny reason, she asked how the paper went only to part with, "Ol boy, I need to kiss o. This exam no gree me see my boyfriend".
It got a laugh out of all of us but it made me think about the whole kissing idea, is it over-rated? Everybody for some reason reacts to kissing, being kissed or seeing people kiss.

It could be Goosebumps for the persons kissing,
Envy for the person NOT kissing,
Satisfaction for the one who did the match-making,
Anger for the person who's partner is being kissed by another, 
Excitement for the person dared to kiss,
Shyness for the one kissing for the first time, and
Depression for the person who feels he/she will never kiss...


The thing is, it's hard to understand why the act of locking lips sends so much affection through us (you don't believe me? try kissing someone you've not met before, everyday for a week and see if you won't be seriously attached at the end of that exercise). I personally know a couple of people who are addicted to kissing (even though many of them are very bad kissers...lol). It's so annoying, you hear ladies especially getting angry at the boyfriend or husband who left without planting a wet one on their lips. Na by force? What if he wasn't in the mood? What if he forgot to clean his mouth that morning? What if he took something alcoholic and he didn't want you to know or you don't like alcohol? WHAT IF YOU DON'T KISS? Who's gonna die?
I like kissing too, but when I look at a beautiful lady... The lips are only a starting point..*wink..he he

Listening to 'Ndoli ndoli Prt 2' by H.Man

LWKMD..

You go fear when you see a dude jerking (doing the reject) in Samklef's 'Noni' video...

Outstanding Perfumes made here in Nigeria...

A reader just sent this in and I soo had to share it. Hilarious, if you read it out loud with a voice-over tone. Thanks Deji.

'Extinct' by NITEL..

'Blackout' by NEPA..

'Escape' by IBORI..

'Desperate' by ATIKU..

'Must be me' by BUHARI..

'Swindle' by C.IBRU..

'Barely 13' by YERIMA..

'Kampe' by OBJ...

'Honour Among Thieves' by NASS..

‘Assault’.....by DEJI of AKURE..

'Insane'... By S KAITA..

'Exquisite' ..... by ASHIWAJU..

'Excite' by ...BRF..

'Unreliable' by SUPER EAGLES..

I wear my sunglasses at night???

Howdy y’all,


Yeah, I know I’ve been away for a while. It’s just that I’ve been a lil busy. When you live as a dude in Naija, you’ll learn to respect the word ‘hustle’.

Anyway, the topic for discussion today is the disturbing trend that has begun with the influx of sunglasses and shades into the Naija fashion scene. According to the dictionary, sunglasses are eyeglasses with tinted or darkened lenses to protect the eyes from sunlight or it’s glare; So, can someone tell me why some supposedly ‘sane’ people wear sunglasses at night?

Designer shades

It’s a little funny when you step out of a 24-hour store or night club and you see some dude or babe coming at you with a smile and frames that could cover half of their faces including the nose... It makes me wonder if they are trying to be blind to see how it feels. The whole thing just contradicts the sun in sunglasses.

No sun - don’t wear.

Inside a house – don’t wear.

In CHURCH – don’t wear.

In the rain – Abeg, don’t wear.

There is something called ‘Stunna shades’; If you happen to lay your hands on one of those, then maybe you might be allowed bail.. If you remember to take them off in Church and in the rain.

Freaky Pic of the Day..

That's what it is y'all. Lol :-)

Naija States and New Slogans...

Just got this off Naija Rooney Commentary (with a lil editing by my humble self); I think it's a pretty silly name, considering it has nothing to do with football or Rooney. This is quite hilarious though and I thought it'll be nice to share it here. No pun intended - Enjoy!

1. Lagos: "Give Us Your Poor and Weak, We Shall Rob Them at No Extra Cost To You."
2. Niger: "The Home of Dictators. Which Other State Has Two?"

3. Kano: "Shut-up, Niger, Have you Forgotten Murtala Muhammed and Sani Abacha?"

4. Ondo: "Boy, Where Have All Our Bright Ones Gone?"

5. Ekiti: "Thank God, We Got All The Bright Ones From Ondo during State Creation."

6. Cross River: "Can Someone Tell Us If We Are Nigerians or Cameroonians?"

7. Ebonyi: "Damn It, Cross River, Who Cares?"

8. Sokoto: "The Ajucation State."

9. Benue: "Home of the Brave Ones. Remember Okar, Iyorshie & Malu?"

10. Plateau: "We Once Shared The Same State With The Brave Ones. Hip! Hip!! Hip!!!? Hurray!!!"

11. Bayelsa: "Thank God for Odi, Our Claim To Fame."

12. Kaduna: "Are There Really More Christians Than Moslems in This State? We Want A Recount."

13. Borno: "Does Anyone Know How to Spell Boroonu? Please Help?"

14. Kwara: "To Be Yorubas or to be Hausas--That is The Question."

15. Akwa Ibom: "Our Women Are The Best Lovers."

16. Jigawa: "Bring Those Sinning Akwa Ibom Women & We Shall Flog Them."

17. Zamfara: "Home of The One-Armed Citizens."

18. Bauchi: "We Took Out The 'B' in Biafra."

19. Enugu: "Watch Your Goro Mouth, Bauchi?"

20. Ogun: "In The Words of Our former President--'Go To Hell!."

21. Oyo: "There Are Only Two States in Nigeria--Oyo & Others. Ye-whooooo!!!"

22. Edo: "How Many of Our Girls Did They Deport From Italy Today?"

23. Delta: "Who Cares, Edo? We Stopped Counting Years Ago When We Became a Separate State. Hehehehehe."

24. Imo: " 'I' for 'Igbo', 'M' for 'MASSOB' & 'O' for 'Ojukwu'. Yes O!!!!"

25. Kebbi: "Come Drink in Our State. We Don't Care. Just Don't Stagger Into Zamfara."

26. Taraba: "We Almost Had Oil. Kai!"

27. Abia: "Our Governor is More Handsome Than Yours. Eat Your Heart Out."

28. Adamawa: "Nun-Cents, We Are The Edukayshion Slate. No Sokoto. Tafur"

29. Kogi: "We Love Our State So Much That We Will Spell It for You--'K' as in 'Cupboard', 'O' as in 'Nothing', 'G' as in 'Jesus' and 'I' as in 'Eyes'. Yeah!!!."

30. Nasarawa: "Kai, We Almost Had Oil Too."

31. Anambra: "Okadigbo? Never Heard of Him."

32. Yobe: "Our Claim To Fame: Major Hamza El Mustapha."

33. Rivers: "Eat Oil, Sleep Oil, Drink Oil sef."

34. Osun: "Are We Really A State? We Are Confused?"

35. Gombe: "Zombie O' Zombie."

36. Katsina: "Leave Us Alone. We Are Still Thinking of a Slogan. We Are Slow Thinkers."

FCT--- Abuja: "The Centre of Corruption."

Freaky Pic of the Day...

As different as we are the same... :-)

When the Mighty tumble..

Howdy y'all!

I don't hate. It's just that sometimes it feels good to know that a rich person is broke or your prom queen woke up with two BIG zits(pimples) on her forehead and nose...lol. When people or situations don't change, it generally affects the earth's balance, the ying & yang, you know.

Today, I just want to extend my sympathy to one of the few football 'heavy-weights' who got their butts kicked right out of the World Cup(after Nigeria though). It's really annoying to know those green frogs on our National team and football federation got paid heavily for the useless performance they so proudly displayed. I can only imagine how it feels to be trashed like that. Germany showed no mercy especially to Maradona's coaching career.

Little wonder why he decided to let their fans have it real good before his exit. He had his daughter to thank for quickly removing him from the pitch before things got any worse. I was beginning to fall in love with the player turned coach, linesman, spectator and ball-boy. The sign reads "Bye Maradona"

M.I.A - At all !!!

Howdy y'all?

This one here is to find out why I've started finding it difficult to update my blog. People have been fbooking me and sending me e-mails, some concerned ones and the others.... - well, good fans. I have a thousand and one things to blog about, but the time I can squeeze out is very little to coordinate my thoughts.

I hope BlogsVille possesses a really good doctor that can handle such serious cases? My specifications -
Female (before nko?),
Between the ages of 17 and 35 (experience does count... wink)
Someone who can do some hands-on explanation
Someone who is good to look at (not necessarily listen to)
And... the rest would be communicated later.

Anyway, just before I forget. I was on a bike home last week and a pick-up truck crossed lanes (apparently, the mumu driver wanted to park in front of a bank) and totally blocked the bike I was on. Sharply, I did a mental check of what, and how much  I had on me because a cuz of mine was dispossessed of a BB and laptop last month. It was like I was on a movie set.

The funny part of the gist is the bike rider was Hausa and was feeling like he was a jasi (proper) LasGidi guy. Immediately we were crossed, he shouted at the driver who had successfully parked his ride inside an open gutter, "You no get sense - at all!". Still livid, he managed to pull us out of where we had been cornered, crossed over to the driver's window and screamed, "You see am, stupid man. You don craze - AT ALL!"

I don't think I should tell you how tightly I held on to the bike after that. I was laughing so hard, a police man at a traffic light had to ask if I was being kidnapped and had been drugged ...lol.

Primary School in Naija?... Confirm here pls.

Howdy y'all?

        Yes, I know I've been away for a while. Been working on my first book and all; Putting all the finishing touches to it and all. It will be out for purchase before the year runs out sha...

         Okay, to the business of the day. The law states that you have to go through primary school before you get qualified for secondary school and university. The experience that you have in a Nigerian elementary primary school cannot be equaled by any. The mumuish (lol) touch to primary education when you look back can be both funny and annoying.

        

               Playing 'catcher' and 'police and thief' during recess break time et al. Holding the babes (who happened to all be wearing singlets just like us) round the waists, chests and rolling in the sand. Fast forward to now and you have to be careful so you don't snap the bones in the Victoria Secret bras which may be holding Double D's that are probably saline or silicone... And about the holding, you are definitely risking getting slapped or stepped on with 11" heels.

          Shit does happen, but just for the nostalgia it brings. Check these original 9ja poems out...


Some have food but cannot eat, some can eat but have no food. We have food and we can eat. Glory be to thee o Lord. Amen.






The day is bright is bright and fair

oh happy day, the day of joy

The day is bright is bright and fair

oh happy day, the day of joy

mama jellof rice!





oh my home o my home

oh my home o my home

wen shall i see my home

wen shall i see my nativeland

i will never forget my home!





holiday is coming [2x]

no more warning bells

no more teachers cane.

goodbye teachers, goodbye scholars

I ' m going 2 spend

a jolly holiday [2x]



h-i-p- for d hip

p-o-p-o for d hipopo

and t-a-m-u-s for the hipopotamus1

hipoptamus!





parents listen to your children

we are the leaders of tomorrow

try and pay our school fees

and give us good education





I am a little sailor boy that comes from the sea

that comes from the sea to marry you

Oh will u marry marry marry

will you you marry me?







8 o ' clock is d time 4 skul, dnt be l8t in d mornin.

8 o ' clock is 4 boys and gals, come 2 skul in za mornin.





Closing time in the afternoon:

Now the day is over, night is drawing nigh, shadows of the evening, still across the skies

Glory to the father, Glory to the son, And to thee blessed spirit, Whilst all ages run, Amen!





rain rain go away

come another noda day

Little children want to play

SMS : Stretch Mark Syndrome

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Truly Stars...

Howdy y’all,
       
                 In the spirit of the Grammys, I just had to let y’all know that Archie Glaze’s Most Creative Video(2009) award goes to

Foreign – Jeremih (Imma star) , and
Nigerian – T.W.O (Fine Bara)

These guys are AWESOME. A breath of fresh air that was so needed. C’mon guys, I think we are quite tired of you telling us how much money you have. We need people to make good music and still entertain us. You don’t entertain anybody when you’ve got bling blinding their sights.
 ‘Imma star’ is one video I won’t get tired of in a very long while. My best part is when the beggar saw his ride and went nuts...LMAO. Ol boy! LaffWanKill the guy sha. And of course, ‘Fine Bara’ is just hilarious. Favourite part though is when Tunde is calling out his qualifications and says he has a Doctorate degree and he is working on his PhD...lol. What in God’s name is a Doctorate degree?! Big ups to Jeremih, T.W.O and their entire video crew for the creativity on those videos.

Ways to turn down a Guy – Part 2

> HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?

> SHE: I must've been given your share.

*

> HE: Will you go out with me this Saturday?

> SHE: Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.

*

> HE: Your face must turn a few heads.

> SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs.

*

> HE: Go on ,don't be shy. Ask me out.

> SHE: Okay, get out.

The Funny Thing about market Monopoly

Howdy y’all,


I was just thinking about one funny occurrence in Nigeria especially, and I thot it will be fun to share it with you...

- Have you gone to the market or written down a list of grub to get and you find yourself asking for or writing Indomie, when what you really need is any kind of NOODLES.

- Have you hurriedly asked someone in the kitchen to pass you the Maggi, when what you really need are SEASONING CUBES.

- Have you told someone the Peak milk at home is finished, when what actually finished is another brand of EVAPORATED MILK.

- Have you ever been around a person who asks someone else to get him/her Close-Up, when what they really need is any tube of TOOTHPASTE.



It is really funny when I hear all these stuff. It can even get so ridiculous that people request for Knorr ‘Maggi’.. Haba! It just cracks me up so bad, but I’m at least happy for the manufacturers of such products. Guess their advertisements and consistency has paid off. And the mistakes... well, that’s what makes us Nigerian, init? Lol.

Oshamo - Official Vid.

I saw this vid for the first time while having lunch... And I almost choked on my food...lol. If you are wondering why, just listen to what Suspect has to say at the door.

Top 19 Freakiesst cards...

1. I always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. And now that you've come into my life...


(Inside card) - I've changed my mind.



2. I must admit, you brought religion into my life...

(Inside card) - I never believed in Hell until I met you.



3. As the days go by, I think how lucky I am....

(Inside card) - That you're not here to ruin it for me .



4. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go....

(Inside card) - Will you take the knife from my back? You'll probably need it again.



5. Happy Birthday! You look great for your age....

(Inside card) - Almost lifelike!



6. When we were together, you said you'd die for me...

(Inside card) - Now we've broken up, I think it's time to keep your promise.



7. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.....

(Inside card) - Did you ever find out who the father was?



8. You are such a good friend. If we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket...

(Inside card) - I'd miss you terribly and think of you often .



9. Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday...

(Inside card) - So we're having you put to sleep.



10. Looking back over the years that we have been together, I can't help but wonder.....

(Inside card) - What the hell was I thinking



11. I'm so miserable without you...

(Inside card) - It's almost like you're still here.



12. Thank you for being part of my life.....

(Inside card) - I never knew what evil was until I met you!



13. Congratulations on your wedding day!...

(Inside card) - Too bad no one likes your husband.



14. How can I say this....

(Inside card) - Your cooking kills me



15. Hooray.....

(Inside card) - You're divorced.



16. I just want you to know that I'm sorry for what happened...

(Inside card) - Especially since you survived.



17. Congrats on getting married...

(Inside card) - It's not everyday you decide to ruin your life.



18. Someday I hope to marry...

(inside card) - Someone other than you.



19. We have been friends for a very long time...

(inside card) - What do you say we stop?